Once a week, the members of The OC Round Table will deliver their uncensored, unabashed, unwavering views on various issues affecting the show and its characters. Not so much knights as raucous fans of this FOX phenom, these pundits will comment on every aspect that hits the airways, from Ryan‘s bird-like facial expressions to Luke‘s transition from hotheaded jock to complete and utter loser. Agree with their views? Disagree? Send in your thoughts, comments, questions or harassing diatribes to any or all of the supposed sages. They‘ll publish viewer feedback in each subsequent edition of the Round Table. Now, it‘s time to pull up a chair, meet our panelists and dissect their takes on the shocking twists and turns that comprise The OC.

The panel:

Name: Matty Rich Favorite character: Sandy The OC words to live by: Kirsten: So what do you want to be, now? Ryan: Seventeen. Contact: Private Message

Name: Darkly Noon Favorite character: Ryan The OC words to live by: Juile: We're celebrating my new position. Sandy: I'm not gonna touch that one. Contact: Private Message

Name: Max Power Favorite character: Hailey The OC words to live by: Puuuuuddding!

Name: Leighton S. Favorite character: Seth The OC words to live by: Seth: What happens in Mexico stays in Mexico. Ryan: What happens in Mexico? Seth: I don‘t know because it stays there! That‘s why we must go! Contact: Private Message

Who is your favorite: Steven Segal, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Sylvestor Stallone or Steve McQueen?

Matty Rich: Any hesitation in answering this question can be summed up with two words: Blood. Sport. Van Damme starred as Frank Dux, the American who had the intense intensity to become the first ever Western champion of the Kumate, Hong Kong's underground martial arts tournament. When he defeated Chun Li in the final, an entire wave of secret kung-fu competitions sprung up around the globe. I'm actually fighting in one right now. With any luck, I'll then be able to share a bedroom romp with Mia Sara - Ferris Bueller's Day Off didn't include the activities I have planned with her!

Max Power: Wow that's a Murderer's Row of awful actors. I can't even think of one movie I like between them. So I guess I'll go with Steve McQueen - anybody who can combine their last name with royalty and a McNugget gets props in my book. Plus he had a Sheryl Crow song about him.

Darkly Noon: Steve McQueen, hands down. Not only was "The King of Cool" one of the most talented actors of his generation, but he was just as well known for his wild antics and crazy lifestyle. McQueen (1930-1980) loved motorcycles and fast cars, and performed most of his stunts. The handsome star of The Magnificent Seven and The Cincinnati Kid, among other classics, also went out at the on top of his game. Unfortunately, those other three a$$clowns are still making films.

Leighton S.: Ice Cube. No disrespect to those other guys, but I've got a feeling on this one. Just like the one I had about Mariah Carey being the next big movie star (see: Glitter). That one was covered up by conspiracy (she's actually a man and refused to do less-than-clothed scenes). This one however is going to pan out. Just wait until XXX: State of the Union comes out. You'll see.

Discuss your favorite action star on the message board.

On a scale of 1-10, how whipped by Summer is Seth?

Darkly Noon: You know me. I rarely pass on a chance to jump on Seth - be it in a dark alley with a sock full of quarters, or a simple verbal assault. He is no first-ballot lock for the Whipped Hall of Fame, however. First of all, Summer is the only ink in which Seth's pen has ever been dipped - he just doesn't know any better. Deduct two points for inexperience. More importantly, one must consider the attractiveness of the involved female when calculating the whipped quotient. In this case, the sweltering Summer heat knocks two more points off his total. He's whipped, no question about it, but not overtly so. Final Score: 6.

Leighton S.: Even though it's subsided a bit in the past few weeks, I still give it a 9. We've broken skin. I don't think she even has to crack it anymore; she can just make the "Whooo paa" noise.

Matty Rich: I'm gonna go with "N/A" because I always feel really professional when I write that. It's just not applicable, people. Why? Because the question implies that Summer is the only person and/or object by which Seth is whipped. This is a young man who cannot catch a set of keys. He also requires the approval of Ryan, his father, his principal, the gardener and a plastic horse before he can take a shower. When God was handing out backbones, Seth was too busy whining about his spot in line to receive one. Hence, the nickname "Invertebrate Cohen." Go write your graphic novel, you jelly fish.

Max Power: Well, I guess it depends on how much whipped cream is brought into the bedroom. But can we really blame Seth? She's the best thing that will ever happen to him. And if we're talking about whipped cream, then in the immortal words of Varsity Blues: "A 10, I give it a f#cken 10!"

Discuss Seth being whipped on the message board.

Random thoughts/questions (Part I)

• We all saw Seth's miraculous diving catch of the crystal egg. What you may not have seen, shortly thereafter, was the flock of pigs spotted flying over Chino.
• Meanwhile, Satan - clad in a winter coat, frost forming on his horns - was also surprised by the feat.
• So Marissa can move in with Alex. But she can't stay home by herself for a week?
• Silly Trey, you have so much to learn: never offer Marissa food.

Why doesn't Sandy have any friends?

Max Power: He smells like hot dogs. It's really gross.

Darkly Noon: The fact that he is a model citizen living in a moral void of a county - a place populated by pompous snobs, conniving jerks and loose women - could play a role.

Leighton S.: Ha-penis Envy.

Matty Rich: Would you be able to share a drink with Zeus? As the celestial ruler of all that is moral and eyebrow-laden, Sandy simply intimidates all who wish to befriend him. Soon, however, lightening will strike and Sandy will find a companion or two.

Discuss Sandy's friends on the message board.

$800 for Trey and Zach? How much would you pay for the service of these studs?

Leighton S.: What kind of time frame are we looking at? Summer interns? One night stands? Do I get my deposit back if Trey runs off with my girlfriend? Will Zach try to talk me out of my plans to stalk Summer? Or will he help? These are all things I'd have to consider before putting a price on their services. On one hand, Trey could provide the edge my homies and I are looking for when we cruise Barnes and Noble scopin' for 4H babes every third Tuesday night. But Zach might cramp that style. On the other hand, Zack could educate me on the inner workings of girls' hearts and how to look at their eyes and not their brains when talking to them. But Trey might cramp that style. This is too complicated. I'll pay É $24.17. That's the humor based bonus I get per year here at The Files.

Darkly Noon: Shelling out $800.00 for a date with Trey is a steal. In addition to his musk, the sultry bad boy has a wild streak. You guarantee he will keep things interesting, not to mention sensuous. As a submissive, gutless waste, Zach is an entirely different matter. You know exactly what you're getting, and it's not pretty. For a parasite of his caliber, I'd go no higher than $25.00 and a case of Natural Ice. Final offer.

Matty Rich: What exactly is Zach being paid for? That's a steep price for boredom, emasculating feebleness and a charming smile. I guess I'd shell out a quarter or two for a chance to unleash some expletives at someone who will only respond with a hand shake. Trey, however, is worth at least three times that amount. He may not be able to steal a car or a crystal egg with any success, but the man cooks breakfast. Scramble me an egg, french me some toast and tickle me Elmo, we've got ourselves a servant.

Max Power: Well, apparently Newport is running a male escort service. But why pay, when much like Julie Cooper, you can use your charms and have them for free? I wonder how Luke's doing??

Discuss Trey and Zach's price on the message board.

Random thoughts/questions (Part II)

• Darn! No one correctly guessed "the crystal egg from Risky Business" for the first response in the prior edition of The Round Table.
• What are the odds on Alex returning for some stuff and hooking up with Trey?
• We miss you, beautiful, confused, deranged one.
• Gosh, will Marissa and Ryan ever get together?!?

Discuss Random thoughts on the message board.